I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
