A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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