fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Randomize
