Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
