My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
