I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
