Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
