end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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