I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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