so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
So squirting runs in the family.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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