the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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