i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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