dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
