why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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