i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
