i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
organizing the empties. That sober.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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