I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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