Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
