I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I could make wine with my vomit
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
