the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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