I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
