its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
