I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
