i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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