Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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