It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
