and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
