Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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