all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
