I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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