Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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