mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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