I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
