the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
