Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
