My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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