theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
