if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
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