No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
