no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
