when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
