dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
