ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
