WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
