Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
