so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
