Ambien. No doubt about it.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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