Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I look better un-naked...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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