Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
