The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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