We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How does it feel to date your dad?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
